MY FIRST LOVE: THE SATISFYER PRO

This post is not sponsored or affiliated, and I gain no commission, this is just a love letter to Satisfyer.

Love at first sight:

I promise I won't bore you too much with expose, as I equally hate when blogs do that, but me and this thing go way back, and it's important to emphasise just how epic this thing is.

It's the year 2019 and I'm attending my local Pride Parade. I had a bag full of pocket money and a budding love of gambling. There was a tent run by a sex toy store set up in the middle of the festival, and my friend dared me to go in. Surprisingly, they let me in without question, and in the tent were 3 large buckets. Lucky dips. I lept at the chance, and starting at the £2 bucket, I received a fairly disappointing jelly cock ring. Undeterred, I went for the £10 bucket and received a broken pink vibrator. This I could never fix, but as a beginner's dildo, it wasn't too shabby. Then came the £20 bucket. I reached in and pulled out something shaped like a gun, I had no idea what it was or what it did. But it looked... fancy?

I took it home, and without any hesitation laid in bed and began. Pleasure, shock and more pleasure engulfed me in that moment. Within 5 minutes, I came so hard I had pissed myself.

Now dear reader, do not do what I did and turn it up to 10 on the first spin unless you're absolutely sure you can handle it (let it be known this hasn't happened since).

I can describe all of the specs and appearance, material and tech that goes into this thing, and I will, but I think the single most compelling thing about this little doohicky, is that I still have it 5 years later, despite using it nearly daily. Now that is good design.

General Description:

Pressure wave vibrators have been hot on the scene for a while now, and It's no surprise they're a fan favourite. The sensation has been compared to oral sex, which is fairly apt, but it goes beyond that for me. This thing makes you feel good without even touching you. For me, sometimes I can get uncomfortable when something is repeatedly touching me, it can get oversensitive or even painful, but not this. If only the air pulses touch you, the touch itself doesn't get overwhelming, nor does it take away from the sensation of pleasure you get physically.

Sometimes when I use this thing too much, the air pulse gets a little old, I'll admit, which is why the second button, vibrations, changes everything. The air pulses have 11 intensity levels, but paired with the 10 different vibration modes, you have infinite combinations, and a lot of time to waste. You also have the option to edge yourself with the vibrations, and then ramp it up with the air pulse to create an absolutely explosive finish.

Appearance:

This thing screams luxury in a world of tacky pink dildos. Even compared to the other Satisfyer models, which I'm a huge fan of, it feels delicate and classy. I really like the silicone outside, which I'm confused they didn't continue onto later toys (with hard shiny plastic). The silicone tip is also removable for cleaning which I appreciate, though it doesn't need this regularly. There are two buttons on the back which are easy to locate and reach, and usually not too hard to get mixed up. The stripes along the side feel luxurious and interesting to hold, and the silicone means I never lose grip or cramp up holding it.

Noise:

So, the noise is actually a little bit funny. It isnt particularly loud, but before it is placed on your body, it makes a kind of wawawawawawa sound. It is cute, I'm not at all put off by it, but it does sound a bit funny. Not to worry though, because as soon as its in position, it is the quietest electric toy I have ever owned, I have housemates at university, paper thin walls, and 0 complaints. If noise is a worry, then it really shouldn't be with this, and if the wawawa puts you off, you're a buzzkill I don't know what else to say.

Charge:

Whilst charging this thing can be a bit of a pain, once it is charged, it lasts an incredibly long time. There is nothing worse than getting close with a toy only for it to die on you, and you lay there stripped down and frustrated, feeling like throwing a tantrum. But not with this, Whilst it may take around 2 hours to fully charge, it must last over 6 hours, probably a lot more than that but hey, how greedy do you want to get?

I have neglected to charge the Satisfyer for weeks without issue, and my only complaint is the cable. All Satisfyer products share the same charging cable and two magnetic beads that connect to the back of the device. This is a cool concept I'll admit, but sometimes the beads only using magnets means that the charger can become disconnected without me realising, leaving me masturbationless for yet another 2 hours. This has barely happened, so I wouldn't let it dissuade you, but it is something to keep an eye on if you do decide to purchase.

Versatility:

One thing to note is just how versatile this thing is, especially with how intuitive it is. I love a rabbit vibe as much as the next guy, but it gets in the way when you're trying to have penetrative sex. The Satisfyer doesn't, it does need to be held, but if you're doing any position other than missionary, it is perfect to hold against you while you fuck. What is even more perfect is how hard it is to fuck it up. There's something so awkward about a partner using a toy on you and it just never quite hits the right spot or moves a bit, and it ruins the mood to keep asking to adjust. The Satisfyer fits directly over the clit, engulfing all of it, and resulting in absolutely no mishaps. It is also really useful for those of you with bottom growth, as it can cover the entire thing, leaving quite a bit of room in the canal still. Did I mention it's waterproof? I have personally never used this in the shower or the bath, but I have heard good things from people who have, and it does give it credibility as a well made product in general.

Price Point:

Ok so whilst I might have won this thing for 20 quid, you, dear reader, may not be so lucky. This is an oldie but a goodie, having come out in 2018, it was originally retailing for £54.99, but now sells for £42.99 on Satisyer's Amazon storefront. If you break it down, cost per orgasm, this thing is pennies. However, I understand that splashing 40 on a bit of fun isn't everyone's forte. There are cheaper Satisfyers that have a lot of the same benefits like the equally classy Satisfyer 2 Next Generation (£23.98), or the incredibly adorable Satisfyer Penguin Next Generation (£33.49), but for me, nothing comes close to this.

Final Thoughts:

Ultimately, this thing is my holy grail, I have never found a better toy since my first. You need no warm-up, like with something insertable, no skill or awareness, like with a bullet vibe, and you have total customizability. You quite literally cannot go wrong. Plus it feels bloody amazing.

Treat yourself today: The Satisfyer Pro Plus